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I Keep Running Away.
Sunday, April 17, 2011, 21:41
Now I feel, this one year I spent alone was really time wasted.

To be serious, I was really thinking, thinking about what I really want.

Because I say, everything is going too fast for me for this one month and I can't really digest all of that. I think I did, but no, its too much for me to handle. I haven't really figure out what I wanted and I thought I knew. When I refused for a patch up one year ago, I thought I am finally able to give myself some answers. However, today I realised, they were not answers but were excuses. It was not a decision, but it was something I have felt for a long long time and its just me admitting to these thoughts. There was no decision made, and now I am aware of this fact.

It was just me admitting that I do not want to lead my life like how I did during the last five years. It was admitting to myself that I want to stop all that nonsense, but I think this month, I sunk deeper. I thought I told myself, to let things come naturally. And I told myself, let things fall into their respective place. I will not desire and I will not push. Patiently I will wait for someone to come along and lift me off my feet. For that someone to go after me and for me to feel the same and accept that someone.

And all these, I told myself, I want it to be gradual.

Because I want to be in control, I want to know what is really happening. And I want to know that I am in control of my own feelings, that I know how do I feel and that I am ready to be frank to myself and stop running away.

But I can't help but run away from things I do not want to face.

My bestest friends ask me what is happening in my life now and what are my decisions. And that was when I realised, that I haven't progress. I am still at the start line, square one. I haven't decide what I really wanted because I did not think about all these things that would make me cringe. Its so difficult.

But subconsciously, I think I made up my mind today. Maybe I am not with my final decision but I know, I am on the way and there are those minor decisions I have made so far.

I want to give myself some time. Because I want to be comfortable with everything I decided. So excuse me while I can't give anyone any answer or decision.

I think, I am still afraid of being hurt. And, I am not confident with relationships at this point in time.






Ernest